Overcoming Plus-Size Stereotypes In The Bedroom

By Makayla Wallace-Tidd

Stereotypes have been engrained in the porn world for decades and the impact of those on plus-size women has been particularly hard. You often see a larger woman on screen who is labeled as BBW or fat, they are only there to fill a role as ‘big’.

What I like to call ‘the fat woman fetish’ is a truly difficult barrier when it comes to being body-positive in the bedroom as a plus-size woman. How are you to know whether your next sexual partner wants to have sex with you, not just because you’re fat?

Are you helping them tick a box off of their bucket list? These questions are all part of the negative mindset that fetishizing bigger bodies brings. Just because you have extra fat on your body shouldn’t also mean you have a bigger target on your back. You should not have to perform a certain way to fulfill people’s fat sex dreams.

Getting to have your own sexual identity and enjoyment is a right no matter your size.

The first time

As a teenager, I was plus-sized and this impending doom was always on my mind if my first time would be a one-night stand or a caring experience. In the day and age of Tumblr being filled with pornographic content, I struggled to see myself in any of the popular posts that were getting reshared. I started to wonder if my squishy stomach and vulva would be a deal-breaker for guys my age – after all, we know high school isn’t the most supportive environment for a fat girl.

These intrusive thoughts continued for years along with the absorption of diet culture. I branched out into watching BBW porn and then I was even more scared that the style shown was all I would be able to do, and that any guy I slept with would be expecting this kind of performance.

I tried every diet under the sun to try and look thinner for the first time. I had opportunities to lose my V-card (whatever that means) but my insecurities that were driven by plus-size stereotypes stopped me. I was thankful enough to find a caring long-term partner who loves my squishiness and has loved me at every size I have been these past six years. This only came after years of insecurities and deciding after a long while that I needed to be my body-positivity motivator.

Don’t fetishise without consent 

I’m not writing this article to say that fetishes of plus-size women are bad. I’m writing to say that it is bad without the woman’s consent, the assumption of how someone ‘expects’ sex with a plus-size woman to play out, the way they feel they can treat her body.

Men often expect a plus-size woman to like it rough, or to love doggy-style. From what I have heard from other sexually active plus-size women, this happens too often. 

As a plus-size, curvy, chunky woman, or whatever you wish to call it, your body equals your decisions and your choices. If someone wants you to do something that they “saw a thick chick do in this video” that you don’t feel comfortable with, remember to be your advocate.

Advocate for what you want and push back at the bullshit. Easier said than done, believe me, I know, but as a community, we need to work together to create a safer space. If you are into the vibe that plus-size porn presents, then that’s cool too.

Always make sure you are doing what you want to be doing, life is too short for bad sex.

Loving yourself will open doors 

We are all aware of the boom in self-love and self-care recently, but do you find yourself lifting your friends up but not yourself? I for one am guilty of this. I tell my friends to not worry about what others think, and that people who care need a reality check. The second I stand in front of the mirror, my perspective changes.

The past few years have been a real journey as they have for many others too. We need to remember to extend our kind words to our bodies because when we do, a door to body-positive sex opens up. Just because you are plus size doesn’t mean you want to have sex with the lights off, am I right? I for one know that I want my partner to see my body in all its glory, it’s a level of intimacy that cannot be replicated and can be so empowering.

Body-positive sex means that you cannot give less of a fuck about what you ‘should be doing’ for your size. You own your body and you own your sexual experiences. You care enough about yourself that you have confident communication with any sexual partners. You can feel good while trying new things and just have a laugh if they don’t work out the way you thought. Communicating what you do and don’t like means you can have the best time possible, and who doesn’t love great sex?  

The climax 

Trust, self-love, and communication are the trifecta for a good time. Understanding that you are in charge of your body and what you do with it is entirely your choice. Make sure you care for yourself. Love your lumps and bumps, your dimply bum, and your hanging tum. Find people who want to have sex because you’re a babe not just because you’re fat. Life’s too short for bad sex and misogyny, have fun and fuck it.